Tag: maternal journey

We’re Back | LAH Reboot

Dee Greene HillLeave a comment

IMG_4579 (2)Greetings Beloved!  It has been some time since my last blog post.  

The desire to post was there.

But the faith-filled action was not.  

It happens, right?  The time was well spent.  Believe me.

Thank God for for His grace and mercy.  These last 10 months have been a time of rest, restoration, discipleship, healing, revelation and extreme gratitude. God has revealed so much to me (even though I know it’s only a glimpse of what He truly has in store).  The following scripture divinely encapsulates this time period for me:

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit.” I Thessalonians 5: 16-19 (NIV)

God has been doing a mighty work in me – preparing me for the next level of Love Abides Here.  Believing that He is going to use LAH to bring support, healing, faith and love to so many individuals – including YOU.❤️  

This is just the beginning.  More to come. But I’ll be honest.  I don’t really know what all of this looks like in the earthly realm.  My prayer is to NOT quench the Spirit and rely on God’s supernatural grace to have its way.

In the meantime, I wanted to share with you a pivotal moment in my healing journey from last year.  It’s another excerpt from my journal.

Sending prayers of strength, comfort, peace and love to YOU who has chosen to read this. ❤️

(DGH Journal Excerpt)

September 13, 2018 – This is my 2nd journal entry of the night.  Already “wrote” in my handwritten journal which I haven’t done in over a year!  Felt it was fitting today.  The day Hope was supposed to make her entrance.  These 9 months have shown me sooo much!  Even though I didn’t physically give birth to my child. 

I now feel like I’m giving birth to my calling. 

My purpose. 

What God created me to do.

It wasn’t an easy journey to get to this point. But now I know without a shadow of a doubt what I’m here for. To help and minister to women during pregnancy loss and prematurity. I have a heart for women in grief as well as the babies (as I sit here wearing my March of Dimes T-shirt).

It’s been a tear-filled evening. I wasn’t sure how this day was going to play out. I knew there would be a significant moment. But as the day went on, I ended up staying at home really doing nothing, I thought it was going to be a normal day. I had grand plans of taking this day for me – for reflection. Put together a blog post. Pamper myself. Instead, I was half working, half wasting time on social media. I did make a nice pot roast dinner. And then evening came. God told me what to do.

He wanted me to write in my journal and get on the Girlfriends Pray call. I haven’t done either of those activities in a year. But between the two, God had a theme. “He makes no mistakes. We are created for a reason. He has a plan”. The prayer leader read from Ephesians 2:8 along with a devotional about being God’s creation. It was meant for me.

On this day, 9/13/18. The day that I was supposed to meet Hope here on Earth. The living Hope gave me a new meaning sent from Heaven above.

This 9 months brought forth the clear and undeniable plan for my life. After being a bit out of sync this week leading up to today, I feel a sense of peace. There was a release of doubts, fears, emotions, disappointments, hurt, despair, loneliness, isolation (I’m balling right now 😭😭).

I can let it ALL go.

ALL of it.

Weeping has endured for a looong night. But joy has finally come. I feel it. Thank you Lord! 🙌🙌

Help me Lord to stay connected to you and your Word so I can walk in the plan you’ve laid out for me.

This day also reminded me of a song I hear on the radio titled “Living Hope” by Phil Wickham.  

No More Hope

Dee Greene HillLeave a comment

(DGH Journal Excerpt)

February 21, 2018 – I can’t believe this is really happening again. Another miscarriage. 10 weeks, 6 days. No heartbeat. Baby is only measuring 8 weeks, 6 days.

I feel so defeated. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I have no more hope. I mean, this was it. We heard the heartbeat just a few weeks ago. Dr B. said everything looked great. But something must’ve happened a few short days after that ultrasound. Hope was lost.

So here we are again.

Miscarriage #5.

43 years old.

I don’t think I have it in me to try again. This hurts. It hurts real bad. Just because we’ve been down this road before, doesn’t mean it gets any easier. Dr B. thinks we have another shot. R wants to try again. I actually looked at that pregnancy test in the closet this morning and wondered if we would be using it again. I had a feeling something was wrong with the pregnancy but I wanted to stay positive. We’ll leave it in God’s hands. I’m mad right now. But I’m not mad at God. He is in control. He is sovereign.  He has a plan and a purpose for my life.

When the Dr revealed the news, the first thing that came to mind was “Love Abides Here”. God allowed this to happen in order to fuel the need for the ministry. So this is how it’s supposed to take shape??  Launching the blog AFTER experiencing yet another pregnancy loss?? Your will be done Lord. Your will be done.

Loves Abides Here just kept replaying in my head after the ultrasound. I got so upset that I broke out in tears on the way home. I know I certainly didn’t envision it happening this way. I wanted that baby. She was going to be our other miracle baby. I was going to tell the world how God made it all possible after multiple miscarriages and for being 43. I had a testimony to share.

But I’m reminded that this isn’t about me.

As I was looking at the Evernote entry about seeing Hope for the first time, the clock showed 3:33. More number sequences. Definitely a theme for this year. Haven’t seen that one yet though. But a quick internet search revealed that it has to do with the trinity. Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They are all with me. One true God. ❤

Acknowledge. Validate. LOVE!

Dee Greene HillLeave a comment

Have you ever had a conversation where you were given this extended response and the other person didn’t even acknowledge what you initially said?  They didn’t necessarily ignore you. But they certainly didn’t address what you said to them in their response. They just “glossed over” it. What’s up with that??  It certainly happens. I know that it may not be intentional. But if you’re in a place where your emotions are running high for whatever reason, this kind of response may feel like a punch to the gut.  Or, it may be what you expected. Either way, it may not feel good.

LAH image

When it comes to pregnancy loss, more than likely, there will be a conversation similar to this one.  If you’ve experienced a recent loss, you are certainly looking to your family and friends to support you during this difficult time.  You may be ready to express your feelings about what happened.

How much it hurts.  

How it isn’t fair.  

You don’t understand why it happened.  

But the person on the receiving end may not know how to respond to you.  So, they proceed to tell you things like . . . you will feel better soon . . . it happens to a lot of people . . . you can always try again.  Then, the subject is changed — you move on.  

Since you really don’t want to make a “big deal” out of it because maybe you really shouldn’t be feeling this way anyway, you just accept the response with a simple yet weary “Thank you” — you move on.  But deep down inside, you are probably asking the questions,

“Are my feelings ok?”  

“Am I just too emotional?”  

“Should I just sweep my feelings under the rug and get back to my ‘normal’?”

These are very real questions that many women struggle with in silence.  They are suffering alone because they feel as if no one truly understands. But it doesn’t even have to be about understanding.  Unless you have experienced a pregnancy loss as well, you truly won’t understand. However, if there was a simple acknowledgement and validation of those thoughts and feelings, many women would start to believe that what they’re experiencing really matters to others.

After my most recent loss, I took the time to closely examine how I was processing my thoughts and feelings as well as how others were responding to my need to express my hurt and despair.  I realized that even weeks after the loss and the fact that I was still in a very sad place, some of my conversations weren’t what I had hoped for. You ask me how I’m feeling. I tell you. But there was no acknowledgement of what I just said.  Can I get a little validation over here?  I don’t understand.  I want to understand.  I need to understand.  So, I turned to the internet, as usual, and did some research.  I learned that the whole concept of acknowledgment and validation of feelings is psychological in nature. I don’t mean to get text book here and break down the human psyche.  But I think it’s important to better appreciate these communication tools and how they can be very powerful in helping someone while they are experiencing a loss.

Acknowledge.

  1. To admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth, or fact of:
  2. To take notice of or reply to:
  3. To recognize the authority, validity, or claims of:

(Dictionary.com)

To acknowledge is basically stating that you are really listening to what the other person is saying and it shows that you care.  Some examples of acknowledgement are as follows:

  • I hear you . . .
  • You’re telling me that . . .
  • I believe I understand but let me make sure . . .

“While acknowledging is your way of indicating that you hear a person’s words, validating is getting in touch with their emotions.” (quoted from Learning How to Acknowledge and Validate is a Strong Communication Tool)

Validate.

Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s thoughts, feelings, sensations and behaviors as understandable.

When we validate, we help to elevate.  It changes the dynamics of the conversation.  You are simply showing your support. It is not counsel.  It is a door opener. They can now safely share their thoughts and feelings.  At the end of the day, as humans, we just want to know that our feelings are ok.

Karyn Hall, Ph.D. summarizes in her article Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance that “Validation is never about lying. Or agreeing.  It’s about accepting someone else’s internal experience as valid and understandable.  That’s very powerful.”

LOVE! ❤ 

I had to add this one into the mix.  To me, it completes the circle. Once you’ve acknowledged and validated, you have to show the other person some love.  Lots of love, if you’re capable of doing so. Expressing your deepest thoughts and emotions is not easy. It takes courage and strength to do so.  Loving on those who are suffering just helps to fill the void that they now have from the loss. At the end of the conversation, simply telling them that you love them or that you admire them for opening up to you will be extremely valuable. It will be a conversation that they will always remember when they look back on that time and reflect on the love that shown to them.  It made a difference.

I recognize that this approach may not work in every situation.  Especially if the one who is acknowledging, validating and loving is incapable of doing the same thing for themselves.  I hope that makes sense. But this is certainly applicable to communications that you may have related to different types of loss or relationships in general.  I strive to put this into practice in my own life. I hope you will as well.

Acknowledge. Validate. LOVE!

If you have suffered a loss, I would encourage you to share this post with your loved ones and friends.  Let them know what you need in order to freely share and heal. This process may be the stepping stone on the way to your healing. ❤

Do I Really Need Counseling?

Dee Greene HillLeave a comment

Embed from Getty Images

Counseling.  Therapy Sessions.  Group Support. If you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, these resources may be offered to you as you start the emotional journey of healing from your loss.  Your family and friends are often there to support you through your grief. But, sometimes you may need some additional support from a professional to simply help you figure out how to manage all of the feelings you are dealing with now.  You just want to be able to get through the day without one sob session.  You want to enjoy being around people again and actually have fun without feeling guilty. You want to move on with life but not forget your loved one.  Losing a loved one is A LOT.  And the loss can have very deep and long lasting effects on people if the grief goes completely unmanaged.  I’m here to say that the same is true of MISCARRIAGE.  

A loss is a loss.  We may not have gotten a chance to see or hold our precious little angels.  But, they were our babies who were a part of us and we connected with from the moment we learned of their existence.  They are God’s beautiful creation never to be seen here on earth. To experience such a difficult loss physically and emotionally can be truly devastating for women.  And knowing that most women are unable to freely and openly talk about miscarriage makes the loss even more painful and lonely. Obviously everyone deals with grief and loss differently.  Some women are able to move through their loss freely. While others may find it completely debilitating. There is certainly no right or wrong way to feel after you’ve suffered a miscarriage.  But it’s oh so important to recognize and acknowledge how this experience can affect you and your overall emotional state.

When I had my first miscarriage in November 2011, I was a complete and utter mess!  My husband and I had officially been “TTC” for about 2 years. So we were pleasantly surprised to get the positive test results.  But, something was wrong. (I swear that phrase is ranked up there with the worst things you EVER want to hear a Dr tell you). Long story short, we lost our twins at 7 weeks.  I was devastated! More so because I had no idea that this could even happen. Miscarriage?? What is that?? These were feelings I’ve never dealt with before so I didn’t really know how to process them.  It happened right around Thanksgiving. And I remember not even wanting to go my Aunt’s house for dinner. My family encouraged me to go but I sat there in silence and full of sadness. It was a very difficult time as the days went on.  I would certainly never be the same. But you know how the old saying goes . . . “Time heals all wounds”. We got the speech from our OB that miscarriage is common and happens to a lot of people – it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.  So we prayed, prayed some more and moved on with our lives hoping that something like this will never happen again. Thankfully, the next time I got pregnant, it was a successful pregnancy and we welcomed our precious rainbow baby in March 2014.  God answers prayers! We were extremely grateful to God for blessing us with our baby boy. But we certainly didn’t forget about our angel babies and our desire to have more than one child. So, we decided to keep on trying. Little did we know what would be in store.

In less than 3 years, I had 4 miscarriages (June 2015, February 2016, July 2016 and February 2018).  Five in total. Two in one year alone. Now the OB can’t say that THIS is common. The Drs can certainly provide me with medical advice and information.  But what about my feelings? How in the world am I supposed to keep trying to expand my family knowing that this can happen AGAIN? With every loss, I certainly asked the question, “Why?”  Even though I know the answer, I’m still human. I’m still in shock. I still don’t understand what happened. What am I supposed to do now?

Professional counseling was never a thought after I had my first miscarriage.  No doubt it was a traumatic experience.  But I felt like I was able to manage my feelings and emotions through prayer and by educating myself on miscarriage and pregnancy loss.  I’m an information junkie/researcher by nature. So, I turned to the internet for my “counseling” sessions. I read posts and stories from other women who had been through similar situations.  It gave me comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone. It happened to many other women AND they were able to have successful pregnancies after their loss. They gave me hope. They helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Those sites were invaluable resources for me and I’m truly grateful. After each miscarriage, I would turn to the internet and find new information that I didn’t see before. I’m happy to see that more sites have surfaced over the years in order to help women (and men) during their loss.  It’s encouraging and needed. But when do you need more support?

This last miscarriage officially put me over the edge.  I’m not going to lie. I’m so glad I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  If not, I know I would’ve fallen into a deep state of depression. The one difference with this failed pregnancy is that we heard the heartbeat.  All was well at the 8 week ultrasound. Baby Hope was alive and doing well. Then, we had another ultrasound at 11 weeks. Something was wrong.  (There goes that phrase again!) Based on the measurements, the baby stopped growing around week 9. She died. Yes, this is really happening again.  So many emotions came over me as the Dr delivered the news.  I had to have a D&E and add yet another failed pregnancy to the list.  In the days and weeks following my procedure, I turned to the internet again to see what kind of “counseling” I could obtain.  But the internet wasn’t going to be the solution this time around. This one was different. I felt very heavy and numb at the same time.  My heart was broken into even more little pieces.  I quickly realized that I still hadn’t completely healed from my other losses. I felt like I was dealing with some sort of compounded grief.  I wasn’t sure if that was a psychological term or not but there has to be something to it. I did find a few sites that spoke about it.  This all put me in a place of not knowing how to truly move forward in my grief this time around.  I did know that I could turn to God and the truth in His Word that joy WILL come in the morning.  Deepening my relationship with Him, strengthening my trust in Him and holding onto His promises became critical to my healing process.  God’s eternal LOVE lifted me out of my despair and started to mend the brokenness that I was experiencing. Friend, I’m here to tell you that there is nothing like God’s LOVE.  I was able to wake up and be a wife, mother, entrepreneur, etc. I was able to function. It was a good thing given the depressed state that could’ve easily befallen me. But, I wasn’t well.  That became my new response when my immediate family and close friends would ask how I’m doing. “I’m functioning. But I’m not well.” I was ok. Definitely not 100%. Was there something missing?

“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking by yourself in the light” ~Helen Keller

We certainly weren’t meant to deal with issues that arise on our own.  We ALL need support in those dark times. With this recent miscarriage, I was able to share with family, friends and prayer partners as I had done in the past.  I also took the opportunity to share with some of my clients and the people I work with. For the most part, it was well received. Most people just listened since they didn’t really know how to respond.  They offered some words of encouragement. But I can’t bother them with all of my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. I feel like it’s too much. They have lives to live. Some of them are dealing with issues of their own such as serious illnesses, financial hardships and even death.  I know that there will always be someone there for me if I need it and I’m grateful for that. But I think it was time to officially seek professional help.

I went to see a professional counselor in October 2017 regarding an unrelated issue.  I actually talked a lot about my previous losses and healing journey. Unfortunately, I got turned off a bit because the counselor was talking more about the recent loss of her brother rather than focusing on my concerns.  I was certainly empathetic to her situation but I WAS paying for the session. She wasn’t the right fit but I didn’t rule out counseling at that point. Then, one day with this recent miscarriage, I saw a post on one of the local Mommy listservs about an upcoming support group for miscarriage.  Ding, ding, ding! That was it. It would be a live version of the support I received online over the years. At this stage in my miscarriage journey, it was time to get a little more personal in my sharing while having a professional facilitate the discussion. This would be a safe and welcoming space where there would be other women who can relate to ME and what I’m experiencing.  I went to my first support group meeting in April 2018 and will share my experience in a separate post.  But I can honestly say that I felt a little lighter walking out of that session. Like a weight had been lifted from my heart.  A worthwhile experience indeed. A one-on-one counseling session is not out of the question at this point. But it’s good to know that there are options that work well for me.

Beloved, if you are at a place in your grief where you feel like you don’t have a good handle on your emotions, I would highly encourage you to consider counseling or a support group.  If this is your 1st loss or 5th. If you are in a constant state of sadness or you have more good days than bad. It’s important to understand where you’re at emotionally and whether or not you need additional support to get to a place of COMPLETE healing.  YOU are worth it.  You are not weak or less than a woman for seeking help. Quite the contrary! This shows that you are able to tap into the inner strength that we all possess as women. We are brave mommas! Seek out local resources or contact your insurance company for more information.  A loss is a loss.  Miscarriage is an absolutely painful experience that you should not have to suffer through without emotional help and support.  ❤

Additional Resource: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/13-things-you-should-know-about-grief-after-miscarriage-or-baby-loss

Welcome Beloved

Dee Greene HillLeave a comment

pregnancy complications and loss 6

You’re here. Thank you for stopping by. You are welcome here with open arms. Love and grace are offered here. This is a safe place. LOVE ABIDES HERE. 

You have found your way to this site for a number of reasons. You have suffered a pregnancy loss – be it recent or in the past. You’re ready to try getting pregnant again but you’re afraid that you’ll lose another baby.  You want to support a friend or loved one who has experienced pregnancy loss but don’t know how. You’re just curious. You are looking for encouragement. You want to know that you are not alone. 

LOVE ABIDES HERE was created in response to the very limited online resources available to women who have experienced early pregnancy loss.  Since miscarriage is so common, why are there limited resources??  It doesn’t make sense – at all. This is certainly not a site where scientific information or medical advice will be doled out. Nope. It will offer a few different paths. It’s a personal journal where Dee Greene Hill shares her story about her multiple miscarriages as well as the complications surrounding her pregnancies.  In sharing her very lengthy maternal journey, she hopes that it will help other women who are dealing with similar experiences.

There will also be lots of links to some great information that you may find useful (check out the Resource Center for that).  Do you sometimes feel like you’re not getting as much information as you need from medical professionals? There are alternatives that we’ll share.  Ultimately, the site is providing a voice to women who are suffering in silence or unable to speak openly about the topic of miscarriage. Sometimes people find it hard to even say the word.  Let’s say it together. M-I-S-C-A-R-R-I-A-G-E. It’s ok to say it. If you’ve had a miscarriage, it’s ok to say that you’ve had one out loud. You are NOT abnormal. It doesn’t make you any less of a woman for having one.  Unfortunately, miscarriage happens. To A LOT of women. So, why not start talking about it? This topic has been viewed as taboo for way too long. We want to debunk the myths and shatter the stigma surrounding miscarriage – FOR GOOD.

This site will also talk about the complications around why miscarriage happens as well as how you can attempt to heal from it after it happens.  You may not be able to share your hurt, despair, brokenness, grief and anxiety to others because they simply don’t understand. We are here to shed light on these dark, silent journeys that so many women have faced and will continue to face for years to come.  But, hopefully it doesn’t have to continue to be dark and silent.  If society starts to truly understand how deeply pregnancy loss affects women (and men) and extend love when it’s needed most, healing can happen.  Shame and embarrassment can be erased. In the meantime, we offer this space as a place where LOVE abides.  ❤

The world loves to shout about success and good fortune, but we seldom speak of our secret sorrows.  It’s time to break the silence and allow women the freedom to tell their stories.  #metoo #loveabideshere