Counseling. Therapy Sessions. Group Support. If you’ve experienced the loss of a loved one, these resources may be offered to you as you start the emotional journey of healing from your loss. Your family and friends are often there to support you through your grief. But, sometimes you may need some additional support from a professional to simply help you figure out how to manage all of the feelings you are dealing with now. You just want to be able to get through the day without one sob session. You want to enjoy being around people again and actually have fun without feeling guilty. You want to move on with life but not forget your loved one. Losing a loved one is A LOT. And the loss can have very deep and long lasting effects on people if the grief goes completely unmanaged. I’m here to say that the same is true of MISCARRIAGE.
A loss is a loss. We may not have gotten a chance to see or hold our precious little angels. But, they were our babies who were a part of us and we connected with from the moment we learned of their existence. They are God’s beautiful creation never to be seen here on earth. To experience such a difficult loss physically and emotionally can be truly devastating for women. And knowing that most women are unable to freely and openly talk about miscarriage makes the loss even more painful and lonely. Obviously everyone deals with grief and loss differently. Some women are able to move through their loss freely. While others may find it completely debilitating. There is certainly no right or wrong way to feel after you’ve suffered a miscarriage. But it’s oh so important to recognize and acknowledge how this experience can affect you and your overall emotional state.
When I had my first miscarriage in November 2011, I was a complete and utter mess! My husband and I had officially been “TTC” for about 2 years. So we were pleasantly surprised to get the positive test results. But, something was wrong. (I swear that phrase is ranked up there with the worst things you EVER want to hear a Dr tell you). Long story short, we lost our twins at 7 weeks. I was devastated! More so because I had no idea that this could even happen. Miscarriage?? What is that?? These were feelings I’ve never dealt with before so I didn’t really know how to process them. It happened right around Thanksgiving. And I remember not even wanting to go my Aunt’s house for dinner. My family encouraged me to go but I sat there in silence and full of sadness. It was a very difficult time as the days went on. I would certainly never be the same. But you know how the old saying goes . . . “Time heals all wounds”. We got the speech from our OB that miscarriage is common and happens to a lot of people – it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. So we prayed, prayed some more and moved on with our lives hoping that something like this will never happen again. Thankfully, the next time I got pregnant, it was a successful pregnancy and we welcomed our precious rainbow baby in March 2014. God answers prayers! We were extremely grateful to God for blessing us with our baby boy. But we certainly didn’t forget about our angel babies and our desire to have more than one child. So, we decided to keep on trying. Little did we know what would be in store.
In less than 3 years, I had 4 miscarriages (June 2015, February 2016, July 2016 and February 2018). Five in total. Two in one year alone. Now the OB can’t say that THIS is common. The Drs can certainly provide me with medical advice and information. But what about my feelings? How in the world am I supposed to keep trying to expand my family knowing that this can happen AGAIN? With every loss, I certainly asked the question, “Why?” Even though I know the answer, I’m still human. I’m still in shock. I still don’t understand what happened. What am I supposed to do now?
Professional counseling was never a thought after I had my first miscarriage. No doubt it was a traumatic experience. But I felt like I was able to manage my feelings and emotions through prayer and by educating myself on miscarriage and pregnancy loss. I’m an information junkie/researcher by nature. So, I turned to the internet for my “counseling” sessions. I read posts and stories from other women who had been through similar situations. It gave me comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone. It happened to many other women AND they were able to have successful pregnancies after their loss. They gave me hope. They helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those sites were invaluable resources for me and I’m truly grateful. After each miscarriage, I would turn to the internet and find new information that I didn’t see before. I’m happy to see that more sites have surfaced over the years in order to help women (and men) during their loss. It’s encouraging and needed. But when do you need more support?
This last miscarriage officially put me over the edge. I’m not going to lie. I’m so glad I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. If not, I know I would’ve fallen into a deep state of depression. The one difference with this failed pregnancy is that we heard the heartbeat. All was well at the 8 week ultrasound. Baby Hope was alive and doing well. Then, we had another ultrasound at 11 weeks. Something was wrong. (There goes that phrase again!) Based on the measurements, the baby stopped growing around week 9. She died. Yes, this is really happening again. So many emotions came over me as the Dr delivered the news. I had to have a D&E and add yet another failed pregnancy to the list. In the days and weeks following my procedure, I turned to the internet again to see what kind of “counseling” I could obtain. But the internet wasn’t going to be the solution this time around. This one was different. I felt very heavy and numb at the same time. My heart was broken into even more little pieces. I quickly realized that I still hadn’t completely healed from my other losses. I felt like I was dealing with some sort of compounded grief. I wasn’t sure if that was a psychological term or not but there has to be something to it. I did find a few sites that spoke about it. This all put me in a place of not knowing how to truly move forward in my grief this time around. I did know that I could turn to God and the truth in His Word that joy WILL come in the morning. Deepening my relationship with Him, strengthening my trust in Him and holding onto His promises became critical to my healing process. God’s eternal LOVE lifted me out of my despair and started to mend the brokenness that I was experiencing. Friend, I’m here to tell you that there is nothing like God’s LOVE. I was able to wake up and be a wife, mother, entrepreneur, etc. I was able to function. It was a good thing given the depressed state that could’ve easily befallen me. But, I wasn’t well. That became my new response when my immediate family and close friends would ask how I’m doing. “I’m functioning. But I’m not well.” I was ok. Definitely not 100%. Was there something missing?
“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking by yourself in the light” ~Helen Keller
We certainly weren’t meant to deal with issues that arise on our own. We ALL need support in those dark times. With this recent miscarriage, I was able to share with family, friends and prayer partners as I had done in the past. I also took the opportunity to share with some of my clients and the people I work with. For the most part, it was well received. Most people just listened since they didn’t really know how to respond. They offered some words of encouragement. But I can’t bother them with all of my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. I feel like it’s too much. They have lives to live. Some of them are dealing with issues of their own such as serious illnesses, financial hardships and even death. I know that there will always be someone there for me if I need it and I’m grateful for that. But I think it was time to officially seek professional help.
I went to see a professional counselor in October 2017 regarding an unrelated issue. I actually talked a lot about my previous losses and healing journey. Unfortunately, I got turned off a bit because the counselor was talking more about the recent loss of her brother rather than focusing on my concerns. I was certainly empathetic to her situation but I WAS paying for the session. She wasn’t the right fit but I didn’t rule out counseling at that point. Then, one day with this recent miscarriage, I saw a post on one of the local Mommy listservs about an upcoming support group for miscarriage. Ding, ding, ding! That was it. It would be a live version of the support I received online over the years. At this stage in my miscarriage journey, it was time to get a little more personal in my sharing while having a professional facilitate the discussion. This would be a safe and welcoming space where there would be other women who can relate to ME and what I’m experiencing. I went to my first support group meeting in April 2018 and will share my experience in a separate post. But I can honestly say that I felt a little lighter walking out of that session. Like a weight had been lifted from my heart. A worthwhile experience indeed. A one-on-one counseling session is not out of the question at this point. But it’s good to know that there are options that work well for me.
Beloved, if you are at a place in your grief where you feel like you don’t have a good handle on your emotions, I would highly encourage you to consider counseling or a support group. If this is your 1st loss or 5th. If you are in a constant state of sadness or you have more good days than bad. It’s important to understand where you’re at emotionally and whether or not you need additional support to get to a place of COMPLETE healing. YOU are worth it. You are not weak or less than a woman for seeking help. Quite the contrary! This shows that you are able to tap into the inner strength that we all possess as women. We are brave mommas! Seek out local resources or contact your insurance company for more information. A loss is a loss. Miscarriage is an absolutely painful experience that you should not have to suffer through without emotional help and support. ❤
Additional Resource: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/13-things-you-should-know-about-grief-after-miscarriage-or-baby-loss
Love Abides Here 