(DGH Journal Excerpt)
February 21, 2018 – I can’t believe this is really happening again. Another miscarriage. 10 weeks, 6 days. No heartbeat. Baby is only measuring 8 weeks, 6 days.
I feel so defeated. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I have no more hope. I mean, this was it. We heard the heartbeat just a few weeks ago. Dr B. said everything looked great. But something must’ve happened a few short days after that ultrasound. Hope was lost.
So here we are again.
Miscarriage #5.
43 years old.
I don’t think I have it in me to try again. This hurts. It hurts real bad. Just because we’ve been down this road before, doesn’t mean it gets any easier. Dr B. thinks we have another shot. R wants to try again. I actually looked at that pregnancy test in the closet this morning and wondered if we would be using it again. I had a feeling something was wrong with the pregnancy but I wanted to stay positive. We’ll leave it in God’s hands. I’m mad right now. But I’m not mad at God. He is in control. He is sovereign. He has a plan and a purpose for my life.
When the Dr revealed the news, the first thing that came to mind was “Love Abides Here”. God allowed this to happen in order to fuel the need for the ministry. So this is how it’s supposed to take shape?? Launching the blog AFTER experiencing yet another pregnancy loss?? Your will be done Lord. Your will be done.
Loves Abides Here just kept replaying in my head after the ultrasound. I got so upset that I broke out in tears on the way home. I know I certainly didn’t envision it happening this way. I wanted that baby. She was going to be our other miracle baby. I was going to tell the world how God made it all possible after multiple miscarriages and for being 43. I had a testimony to share.
But I’m reminded that this isn’t about me.
As I was looking at the Evernote entry about seeing Hope for the first time, the clock showed 3:33. More number sequences. Definitely a theme for this year. Haven’t seen that one yet though. But a quick internet search revealed that it has to do with the trinity. Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They are all with me. One true God. ❤
Love Abides Here 