Have you ever had a conversation where you were given this extended response and the other person didn’t even acknowledge what you initially said? They didn’t necessarily ignore you. But they certainly didn’t address what you said to them in their response. They just “glossed over” it. What’s up with that?? It certainly happens. I know that it may not be intentional. But if you’re in a place where your emotions are running high for whatever reason, this kind of response may feel like a punch to the gut. Or, it may be what you expected. Either way, it may not feel good.
When it comes to pregnancy loss, more than likely, there will be a conversation similar to this one. If you’ve experienced a recent loss, you are certainly looking to your family and friends to support you during this difficult time. You may be ready to express your feelings about what happened.
How much it hurts.
How it isn’t fair.
You don’t understand why it happened.
But the person on the receiving end may not know how to respond to you. So, they proceed to tell you things like . . . you will feel better soon . . . it happens to a lot of people . . . you can always try again. Then, the subject is changed — you move on.
Since you really don’t want to make a “big deal” out of it because maybe you really shouldn’t be feeling this way anyway, you just accept the response with a simple yet weary “Thank you” — you move on. But deep down inside, you are probably asking the questions,
“Are my feelings ok?”
“Am I just too emotional?”
“Should I just sweep my feelings under the rug and get back to my ‘normal’?”
These are very real questions that many women struggle with in silence. They are suffering alone because they feel as if no one truly understands. But it doesn’t even have to be about understanding. Unless you have experienced a pregnancy loss as well, you truly won’t understand. However, if there was a simple acknowledgement and validation of those thoughts and feelings, many women would start to believe that what they’re experiencing really matters to others.
After my most recent loss, I took the time to closely examine how I was processing my thoughts and feelings as well as how others were responding to my need to express my hurt and despair. I realized that even weeks after the loss and the fact that I was still in a very sad place, some of my conversations weren’t what I had hoped for. You ask me how I’m feeling. I tell you. But there was no acknowledgement of what I just said. Can I get a little validation over here? I don’t understand. I want to understand. I need to understand. So, I turned to the internet, as usual, and did some research. I learned that the whole concept of acknowledgment and validation of feelings is psychological in nature. I don’t mean to get text book here and break down the human psyche. But I think it’s important to better appreciate these communication tools and how they can be very powerful in helping someone while they are experiencing a loss.
Acknowledge.
- To admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth, or fact of:
- To take notice of or reply to:
- To recognize the authority, validity, or claims of:
(Dictionary.com)
To acknowledge is basically stating that you are really listening to what the other person is saying and it shows that you care. Some examples of acknowledgement are as follows:
- I hear you . . .
- You’re telling me that . . .
- I believe I understand but let me make sure . . .
“While acknowledging is your way of indicating that you hear a person’s words, validating is getting in touch with their emotions.” (quoted from Learning How to Acknowledge and Validate is a Strong Communication Tool)
Validate.
Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s thoughts, feelings, sensations and behaviors as understandable.
When we validate, we help to elevate. It changes the dynamics of the conversation. You are simply showing your support. It is not counsel. It is a door opener. They can now safely share their thoughts and feelings. At the end of the day, as humans, we just want to know that our feelings are ok.
Karyn Hall, Ph.D. summarizes in her article Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance that “Validation is never about lying. Or agreeing. It’s about accepting someone else’s internal experience as valid and understandable. That’s very powerful.”
LOVE! ❤
I had to add this one into the mix. To me, it completes the circle. Once you’ve acknowledged and validated, you have to show the other person some love. Lots of love, if you’re capable of doing so. Expressing your deepest thoughts and emotions is not easy. It takes courage and strength to do so. Loving on those who are suffering just helps to fill the void that they now have from the loss. At the end of the conversation, simply telling them that you love them or that you admire them for opening up to you will be extremely valuable. It will be a conversation that they will always remember when they look back on that time and reflect on the love that shown to them. It made a difference.
I recognize that this approach may not work in every situation. Especially if the one who is acknowledging, validating and loving is incapable of doing the same thing for themselves. I hope that makes sense. But this is certainly applicable to communications that you may have related to different types of loss or relationships in general. I strive to put this into practice in my own life. I hope you will as well.
Acknowledge. Validate. LOVE!
If you have suffered a loss, I would encourage you to share this post with your loved ones and friends. Let them know what you need in order to freely share and heal. This process may be the stepping stone on the way to your healing. ❤
Love Abides Here 