(DGH Journal Excerpt)
May 8, 2018 – I’m the type of person who appreciates routine and discipline. I understand the powerful effects it can have on your life if used in the right way. After my son’s birth, finding my new rhythm was a serious challenge. Especially when you factor in the miscarriages and the short-lived grief recovery period that came afterwards. But after my miscarriage in July 2016, I received some much needed inspiration from the Tom Ferry Success Summit in August and I found the strength to overcome. (Tom Ferry is a leading real estate coach and I have been a part of his coaching system since April 2016.) More than a year later, I found my groove. I developed a solid morning routine. I had an Accountability partner. I was rocking and rolling. There were still some adjustments to be made. But I had my foundation. I found my new “Normal”.
Then, when I found out I was pregnant in January 2018, I gladly put that routine on the back burner in order to have a safe and healthy pregnancy. Due to my previous miscarriages and the fact that I was already high risk, it was of great importance that I make those adjustments. The baby was my focus. Now that the baby is no longer with us, I am really struggling to get my routine back. I understand that I’ve suffered another traumatic loss so I shouldn’t beat myself up. But, it’s been almost 11 weeks since the D&E procedure. I just thought I would’ve had more of a desire to get back to life “pre Baby Hope”. But that’s not the case. Still no period so I guess my body is still healing. Meaning I should still be resting? I can’t get out of bed before 6 even though I’m in bed by 10. I would love to get back to my 4:30 wake up time. I think. lol. I haven’t watched a single Tom Ferry episode since the miscarriage – not totally intentional. What once was my source of inspiration is now something I haven’t given much thought to . Shoot, I was supposed to be in DC this week for the Tom Ferry Marketing Edge event. They were talking about me being on a success panel at the event. And now I have no desire to even be a part of it.
There is this struggle within me to get back to my old way of doing things – my “Normal”. Part of me knows that I have it within me to turn things around because I’ve done it before – within a month’s time. But the other part of me is saying that this time is different. “You’re not ready. You can’t go back to THAT routine. You need to make some serious life changes. You have to do something different. But don’t rush. Take your time. Use this time to stay in God’s Word. Strengthen and deepen your relationship with Him. He is your main source of power and inspiration. This is what you need right now.”
God knows what is best for me. He knows what I need. I guess I need to stop focusing on what I’m not doing. And that is part of the reason why I’ve temporarily stepped away from the TF ecosystem. It will just be a constant reminder that I’m not doing the things in my business that I need to be doing. As some may say, I’m “off of my game”. Not saying that I won’t be back. But I can’t afford to have that anxiety right now. I was getting to a point where I was comparing myself to others. Wanting the success they had which is all normal for ambitious people. But not if you’re in a space where other areas of your life are suffering. With this loss, I realized that I have been masking and covering up feelings and emotions that need to be addressed so I can really live the life I was meant to live. I haven’t released my grief which has been bubbling up inside of me for many years. 5 miscarriages later – it’s time to let it all go and finally heal. Now the real work begins. I don’t know what it really looks like yet. But I know that I can’t go back to what was on a deeper level. I’m not ready to look ahead to what is to come. I just need to stay in the NOW and focus on healing from the inside out one day at a time.
After getting my thoughts out in writing, I have started to tame the struggle within. I’m accepting of my current state of being and knowing that I can’t go back to that “Normal”. Grief changes you in many different ways. I know that God is working everything together for my good. My new “Normal” is trusting Him and resting in Him. Building a more secure foundation in Him and His truths. Creating disciplines and habits around scripture. My daily routine will focus on the actions I need to take to Love and Serve others – fulfilling my calling and living life on purpose. Amen. ❤
(The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me has been in my head all morning)
The Hurt & The Healer
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it’s over now
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
Songwriters: Barry Graul / Bart Marshall Millard / Jim Bryson / Michael Scheuchzer / Nathan Cochran / Robin Shaffer
The Hurt & The Healer lyrics © Music Services, Inc
Love Abides Here 